Mole Hammer Blend

For the first time since the wedding, Kate and I worked on her lush garden. It started with digging around the wall in Peggerrr's garden. I hadn't been long at it when the tree stump (in the advanced stages of rotting) gave way like an old molar, and beams of prismatic light shone through the heavens! Haha. I'm exaggerating, but only a little bit. I stood there with my foot on the trunk thinking there were a million worse states to be in at 9.45 am. Carried on shifting more dirt until some builders came along (who will be damp-proofing & c.), a genial father and son combo, who told me I should leave the stones in for drainage. You learn something every day.

After a cup of tea, I divided the felled stump with a bow saw, using a grub and mattock to smash the hell out of what remained. All I needed was a white vest and a can of diet coke and my ascension to hunk status would've been assured. Instead I had a rugged barnet, lynx Africa jumper and Howard from Take That jeans. But I was happy.

More teas later and after some 'lish sandwiches we got to forking over the large corner section of the garden that housed the marquee for the marriage. This was to prepare for a turf delivery. She had considered sowing grass seeds but the terrorists (Tinker & Eric, resident loon cats) would've voided their bums and not though twice of ruining a best laid plan.

The soil was a lovely rich guinness colour, and largely devoid of perennial weeds, as we'd done such an A team job of suppressing them the first time round. Kate had demarcated the area she wanted the turf to go up to, allowing space for the chiminea and seats. It's a wicked feeling to sit around with a tartan blanket, supping and talking like hoboes. Cold season coming people.

This took us up to about 5 o' clock, as we'd also had a visit from Kate's parents, Alan and Sandy - their first mention in a while! Both Kate and I agreed it had been a good day's work, and our energy was high. In fact I was buzzing for many hours afterwards, not least because, against the odds, one of my plants had flowered after the stem had been shorn and I had pretty much given it up for dead. Now that's what I'm talking about. When in doubt, stake it!

Here's a recap on some of the G UNIT sayings we've been volleying since February.

• Piggin' and a diggin' (on a Saturday night).
• Duncan Hammertime (Duncan Bannatyne)
• Theo the foetus (Theo Paphitis)
• T Pain (Peter Jones -> T Bone -> T Pain, naturally)
• What the f***k are you doing ED?
• SMETHWICK (nickname for Eric)
• WINKS (nickname for Tinker)
• Mo' Hammer Head
• Mo' Hammer Blend
• Glyco
• Insanely false laughter Haaaa
• 'I don't know what's happening in the rest of the world, but this garden is f*cking wicked.'
• Tea?
• Put a donk on it.
• G UNIIIIIT! (This was even screamed during wedding speeches.)

Plenty more where that came from HAAAAAAAAAA.