The Dalek

After a three week wait from Even Greener (a 'Straight Company', make of that what you will) my beloved 220 litre compost bin arrived. Despite clear instructions saying, and I quote: 'If no-one is there to receive the compost bin can it please be left at the bottom of the alleyway thank you,' there it sat amidst the rosebush and the mint, like a mute black plastic sentinel...at 12.00 a.m. I'd been out supping Bushmills and export mead with my warlocks at the Spotted Dog and was a little worse for wear. So sozzled was I, I'd forgotten my Get-instantly-sober-and-don't-wake-your-housemate-up-spell. Instead I lifted that bin up like it was a dear friend or bride to be and swept through the house, knockingover chairs, glasses, molecules...anything that got in the way of my triumphant procession to the garden.

It now sits at the bottom left half of the fence, neatly disguised by a young bamboo bush. I'll tell you now it's got one hell of an appetite. Following the sacred compost mantra: Air Water Food Warmth, I have been throwing in kitchen scraps, loo rolls, twigs, tea bags, some young weeds, hedge trimmings, newspaper shreddings...And yes, that hallowed liquid known as piss. Actually it's so good it's become pi$$, on account of how it's going to speed up the Ed special brand of compost and save me money. Just don't tell David, he's mortified at the prospect of anyone unfurling their python and adding a natural, free dash of golden nectar to the composting process.

I shall keep you informed on my progress. At the moment things are looking and smelling good! C'wor what a fucking stink! Ey! I just thought of a perfect strapline! MAKING MATTER, MATTER! ©Oregano 2011